Friday, August 29, 2008

Interview with TTB live and in person

TTB is mopping the floor. Mystically. TTB does not like people. TTB likes steel chairs. TTB likes smashing people over the head with steel chairs. TTB likes people's heads after he smashes them with steel chairs. I have a few questions for TTB.

Tell me what I should expect from those eight blowjobs that TTB promised me last week?

Ohhhhh yeaaahhh brother. When TTB called you on the mystic telephone the other day and told you about the blowjob TTB was using the image of a blowjob mystically. TTB was thinking that you-Bradley Sands-are just one man in the darkness. TTB wants to open your window and have the light of mother nature spring forward brother. Show you the way up the mountain. Not through it. TTB is talking the guiding light of blowjobs. TTB is talking a MYSTIC blowjob-one that comes from below the belt brother. It's like the first time you saw The Mighty Ducks. You just felt better. TTB promises everyone a mystic blowjob. If only they let the mystic light in through the city smog. When the doors are shut. The tv is off. Pull your pants down for mother nature brother.

I keep hearing "mystic this" and "mystic that." Can TTB get into more detail about your mysticism? Does TTB go to church every Sunday morning or something?

Bradley, brother The type of mysticness the inhabits TTB's inner soul is not the type of mysticness that can be contained to the pews and bibles of a simple church. Brother! The mystic that is TTB ain't a mystic that can be contained anywhere. It's why I ride a cloud. I'm all around brother. I'm outside. I'm the tearful tycoon buying the nation with my mysticness. One mystic heart at a time. The next time you feel rain. It's TTB trying to wake you up.

How does TTB respond to the recent allegations that TTB is just a spammer? That TTB is just commenting on Tao Lin's blog because TTB heard Vince McMahon always reads all of Tao's comments? That TTB is trying to get people to send TTB money for cheap Mexican pharmaceuticals and penis enlargement creams?

First things first Bradley. If Vince McMahon laid his eyes on Tao Lin, Vince would sign him up. Put him in a match with JBL and Hardcore Holly on national TV. Right before Vince will whisper into Hardcore's ear before the match, "you go out there and work him stiff Bob." And then Vince would job out Tao Lin right there in MSG. In front of all his friends. Tao Lin couldn't last a second in the ring. Not against Vince. Not against Hardcore. Not against TTB. Not against nobody.

Tao Lin sells his books all over the nation. People teach Tao Lin's book in college. Tao Lin let's us know about it. Tao Lin makes money off his book. Tao lin let's us know about it. Tao Lin reads Richard Yates and tells us about it. Little does he know in a short few months-Leonardo Dicaprio is going to do a much better job telling us about suburban life gone mysticless. Tao Lin gets mad hits. Tao Lin tells us about it. Tao Lin has a podium in which to speak. But Tao Lin lacks the charisma and marketing skills to become the Stone Cold Steve Austin of the literary world. TTB does not lack a thing. TTB wants to let all of Tao Lins fans and all of the people of America all across the world-TTB is better than a Britney Spears sticker-so TTB tells the people. TTB is out there to prove it to the people. TTB is the mystic man. TTB is the true American Idol.

Why does TTB hate everybody?

It's like this brother man. TTB sees every single person in America like a big, mystic, baby goose. America is one big flock of baby geese. And TTB is like the girl from the movie 'Fly Away Home.' TTB works really hard building a flying look alike goose contraption to lead all the people/geese in America to a better and warmer place. TTB loves those little geese. But TTB's efforts haven't turned out like the movies. Do you know how crushed that little girl would of been in the movie if those geese never flew at all? Like not even a little bit? She would of been crying the whole damn movie.

TTB cries all the time. TTB flies around all day and watches America sit around at its computer, not even trying to spread their wings. But our wings are there. The sky is clear. The clouds are mystic. There is a better place Bradley Sands: the future, but only if we go there. And we must fly.

But don't mystic people love everybody?

You obviously don't know very much about being mystic brother.

Tell me more about being mystic, brother.

Being mystic isn't a thing TTB can tell you about. Being mystic is a thing that you already know. Mystic is Free Willy jumping over the wall to freedom. Mystic is the tears we cry. Mystic is the feeling you get sometimes when you know you can try harder, and do better, and change things. Mystic is the reason to fight through the lonliness. Mystic is what connects us. It's not the internet. It's the need to get away from it all. We have all cried two tears brother. It's time we start a flood.

Who is Jereme Dean and why does he dislike TTB so much?

Jereme Dean is what TTB likes to call a nobody. Jereme Dean is a small dog barking up a very big tree. TTB is that tree-much like the tree Rafiki lives in, in "The Lion King." TTB is that damn mystic brother. Honestly, how is Jereme Dean going to fuck with that? TTB might just skip mystic gym class one day and get TTB's gym credit by laying a mystic smackdown on Jereme. OHHHhhh yeaaaahhhhh..truly today's best. TTB!

Why is TTB just so goddamned mystic (TTB paid me two hundred dollars to feed him this question)?

(TTB stole that 200 dollars from Bradley Sands own wallet when TTB froze time) TTB is so god damn mystic because he is. TTB is mystic because TTB tried the Atkins diet but it didn't work. TTB is mystic because when TTB cries he does it better than you. TTB cries for America. TTB is so mystic he bleeds red, white and blue. TTB is so damn mystic he had his eyesight surgically altered so TTB only sees in red, white and blue. TTB is mystic because the torch of the future of American Literature is burning inside TTB. And not one of you have even tried to put it out.

TTB and the Golden Bear used to love each other. Why does TTB not love the Golden Bear anymore?

It's hard to love something when it no longer exists. Have you tried loving Pluto lately? It's hard. It turns more into longing than anything else. TTB longs for the Golden Bear. TTB wants his best friend back. The Golden Bear is the biggest loser. He shed so much of his former self that no one even recognizes him anymore. TTB thought he saw The Golden Bear on tv the other day but TTB was just watching MTVs 'The Hills.' The Golden Bear used to believe in something bigger than his smile. And trust me...that's pretty big. But like so many of us...The Golden Bear got distracted by the golden coated things. If The Golden Bear keeps chasing tail drinking hard and living in Hollywood, someday soon he is going to lose all of his shine and be nothing but silver.

Thank you, TTB, for the interview.

OHhh yeaaahh brother. It's mystic. It's damn mystic. Keep your eyes on the look out for the first ever episode of "The Mystic Moment: The Monument of Mysticness" with a review of Sam Pink, a look into the life of McJackson, and an in-studio interview with Bradley Sands himself. OHHHh yeah!! TTB ! ttb!!!!!


Brandi Wells said...

"The town of Mystic was founded in 1654, and quickly rose to prominence as a shipbuilding center during the clipper ship era. Nowadays, Mystic has become known for its quintessential New England charm, as well as its two world-class museums: the Mystic Seaport, the world's largest maritime museum; and the Mystic Aquarium & Institute for Exploration, featuring fascinating creatures from both sea and land, as well as the exhibits of Dr. Robert Ballard, discoverer of the Titanic."

Anonymous said...

So the gas station you work at is kind of a salon where your friends can get together and exchange ideas while being held at gunpoint?

I liked the interview. Is this the guy who spams "the asian ______" everywhere?

Bradley Sands said...

Brandi: I have been to Mystic.

Hacim: Yes, it is a salon. He is not the asian guy.

Anonymous said...

i will kick ttb's ass

jereme said...

two time bitch just called down the thunder and pain

ryan manning said...

the asian bradley sands