Monday, February 23, 2009

King Arthur is totally insane

A while ago, I was researching King Arthur for my novel, so I read a book about King Arthur and his knights. I remember it being totally insane. I stumbled across my notes. They prove that the book was totally insane. I enjoyed reading these notes again. You can too:

A king sends a message to Arthur saying that he will spare him if he send him his beard. He has cut off the beards of the kings that he has conquered and used them to make a border on his royal cloak. If Arthur doesn’t send him his beard, the king threatens to also take his head.

Arthur promises a gift to the lady of the lake in return for Excalibur. She asks for a knight’s (Balyn) head (the knight drew a magical sword and refused to part with it. Drawing it meant he was without wickedness). The knight ends up cutting off the lady of the lake’s head. Arthur is pissed. The knight makes everything ok again by defeating the beard king.

He kills an evil knight who makes himself invisible. The king that he serves chases him. He runs into the room where the holy grail and the spear of destiny are kept. He wounds the king with the spear (the king is/becomes the fisher king).

The knight fights another knight to get permission to enter a castle. It is his brother. He does not know he’s his brother. They kill each other. Oops.

Merlin is totally fucking annoying. He is always spoiling the plot and revealing things that will happen much later on. Maybe he should do this in my book, but he should always be wrong so it doesn’t spoil the plot.

One of the knights of the round table is called Tor. Lancelot kills him when he’s trying to rescue Guenewhatever from execution.

“The names of the knights of the round table shall live forever.” Interesting comment that Merlin makes on the immorality of characters of folklore.

First quest for round table knights – happens during Arthur’s wedding feast. Deer runs in, followed by hunting dog and hounds. Dog knocks over knight. Knight grabs dog and rides away. Damsel shows up, says it’s her dog and she wants it back. Unfamiliar knight rides up and kidnaps her. Arthur assigns three knights to each find the deer, dog and knight, and damsel. Bring these things together. “This adventure was made for the feast.” I guess Merlin set it up with magic. Gawain and another knight (probably non-round table) fight over deer. I am confused.

Deer runs towards castle, followed by hounds. Hounds destroy it. Castle guy runs out. He is pissed because he gave the deer to his sweetie as a gift and now it is dead. Vows vengeance against hounds. Gawain volunteers to take their place. This is all very silly. As Gawain is about to cut off the castle guy’s head, his sweetie flings her body on top of her man. Gawain accidentally cuts off her head. Oops. Gawain keeps sending knights that fuck with him to King Arthur. It is weird. Castle guy’s knights fuck him up and take him prisoner. A bunch of fair ladies annoy them until they let him out. They make him promise to ride around with the castle guy’s sweetie’s rotting head.

Sir Tor’s horse is attacked by a dwarf.

The knights are always running into problems because other knights won’t let them pass unless they defeat them in combat. This is stupid. It’s like a bad movie with a gang who won’t let someone walk through their territory.

Sir Tor defeats the stupid knight and sends him and the dwarf to King Arthur. His castle will be very crowded. I guess these knights are new or something and they don’t know how to do anything but tell their enemies to go hang out with their king.

The dwarf asks to be Tor’s servant. Tor is cool with this even though the little fella attacked his horse.

Everybody in the King Arthur myths are totally insane. They fight to the death over every little thing. There is only enough cheerios for one person. Two people want a nutritious breakfast. They will fight to the death. This chivalry shit is fucking weird. They love chopping off people’s heads. Weird code of ethics.

Another knight finds the damsel. Two knights are “battling furiously over her.”

Sunday, February 22, 2009

your bedtime is a lie

Today I deposited a check in an ATM and pressed the NO RECEIPT button without thinking. It probably won't be a big deal because I've never had a problem with depositing checks into ATMs in the past. But my life is filled with many moments like this where I make little mistakes while on autopilot.

I remember sitting shotgun in my father's car when I was very young. It was a piece of junk. I could always hear the transmission fluid or gasoline or some sort of liquid sloshing back and forth while he was driving it. One day, the radio was turned on and a song played that I will remember for the rest of my life although I have no idea what it was. It sounded like there was a lot of shouting. I had never heard a song with a lot of shouting. It sounded very strange. I think it was a classic rock station since my father likes to listen to classic rock. I am wondering what the song was. Maybe Joe Cocker since he sort of sounds like he's shouting? Tom Waits would have totally blown my mind.

Now I listen to music with shouting all the time. I am living that moment over and over again.

I have been enjoying Cradle of Filth lately, although the singing is more like banshee wailing than shouting. I always avoided them in the past because I had thought they were they AFI of death metal, but they are actually very good.

The guy who played Pinhead says things on the new album. He's supposed to be playing the character of the Gilles de Rais, but his voice reminds me of Aleister Crowley's voice, which I heard in an old recording. Yesterday, Dennis Cooper linked to a lecture that Aleister Crowley gave on the Gilles de Rais: I have not read it.

I googled "Doug Bradley" and "Crowley" a few days ago and found out that Doug Bradley had played a character in a movie that was pretty much Crowley with a different name around the time the Cradle of Filth album was recorded. It was an adaptation of a Clive Barker story. The story appeared in one of his Books of Blood collections. I like those collections a lot. I don't like Clive Barker's later novels where he turns into Stephen King and writes eight hundred pages when the books should have been two hundred pages long. He's written some good novellas also. I've read about five of his novels and I hated them all.

I notice that I write in character a lot when I'm writing posts or emails. Since I'm working on a first person novel, my outside writing sounds like my character's. Like I am a method actor or something. I think I want to reinvent my writing style with each new book that is written in the first person. I think this is unnecessary if my books are written in third person. I think it might be kind of cool for all my third person books to retain the same style/voice and for my third person books to be completely different. I don't know if it's worth it to reinvent my style for a short story. It is difficult. I don't know if it's worth doing it for something so short. I wish I could switch back and forth between styles with ease. But I cannot. It used to be very difficult for me to write because my sentences were so compressed and idea-saturated. Now it's very easy for me to write. But I am incapable of switching back to compression and idea-saturation. I hope to do this in the future.

I have noticed that a lot of bloggers start sounding like other bloggers in their entries. That's funny. Like a person who lives with another person and starts talking like them. I think Tao and Blake are big influences in this regard.

I think California is a funny state. A bunch of liberals elected and reelected a republican for governor because they thought it was funny. I think people should always make important decisions based on whether or not something is funny.

This porno is funny. There is a moment of brilliance:

I was going to embed it, but I don't want to add the "this blog has adult content" thing every time someone clicks on it.

Search for "classic funny porn!" to see another good one. It's not linking for some reason. It's not funny though. Just bizarre. Good bizarre rather than gross bizarre. I've had the idea for the same kind of porn.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Cruel Intentions 2

I just watched this movie and it may be the greatest bad movie that I have ever seen.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Friday, February 13, 2009

100% free porn

I am trying to get more hits for my blog.

I would like to visit Muncie, Indiana one day because I really like the name and Garfield lives there, but I really hate to travel.

The university near me has a library that is open 24 hours a day a bunch of days a week, so I went there to try to write tonight since I don't like to do it in my room. I failed. Writing in public makes me nervous. I think I might try again very late when no one is there. I think I can write in public if I am comfortable with a place.

If I stick to my schedule, I should be finished with the first draft of my novel (or novella) in about two weeks. It is fun to write. It is not as easy to write as it was six months ago when I stopped working on it. It is going slowly. I am more distracted. This is why I am sticking to a schedule. The book will probably be around 35,000 words, which is five thousand words shy of being considered a novel in the genre world and like 45,000 words shy of being considered a novel in the literary world. It is more like a genre novel than a literary novel.

Most literary novels suck anyway. Some are awesome, but that is unusual. There are a lot of good short literary fiction stories. It seems to work best in that mode. It is ironic that literary fiction novels need to be like 80,000 words to be classified as such.

Most genre fiction books suck too.

I felt the need to be an even bigger jerk to avoid coming off like a jerk.

I am full of hate. I hate all you guys for not commenting on the music video that I posted!

I don't like most novels I try to read these days. I usually request a book through the library system, read like ten pages, and give up. I think I wouldn't give up so soon if I had actually paid for the book.

Last awesome book I read: Shane Jones' Light Boxes.

I just felt the urge to type "big fucking surprise."

I realized that the mailbox that's in front of the cemetery near my house probably belongs to the house that's across the street from it. I am very disappointed.

People in Swedish death metal bands are not very good spellers. They spell cemetery with an e near the end.

I'm doing a reading next month with Blake Butler, Rachel B. Glaser, Chris Cheney (who likes to buy frozen food from me for outrageous prices), and a woman from Rhode Island who I have never met and cannot remember the name of. It will be in a town that I can walk to in five minutes. I cannot walk to the bookstore in five minutes. I probably couldn't walk there if I had unlimited time because it's very far, but I have a car. I am a poet!

It's very far
But I have a car.

That was just a sneak peak of one of the poems that I'll be reading that night.

Mike Young set up the reading because he is an invincible wizard. He is a Highlander. The earlier movies kind rather than the shitty sequels.

I want to watch the Beastmaster 2.

I've decided that I will travel long distances to two conventions a year. I have traveled long distances to two conventions this year.

My reading last week in Boston went pretty alright. I felt a little "off my game." I heard some old people were horrified, but I didn't notice. A couple of old men also came up to me after and told me they liked what I read. Matt DiGangi was there. He was nice.

I hate when people send me a links request and don't tell me what website they want to swap with. I have like three websites! So I just ignore them because it seems like a mass mail thing if they don't mention the website. But I'll write back to clarify if the site looks cool. I'm not sure if I've ever done this.

Kevin Donihe: Come over and do my laundry.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Dire Literary Series

I'm doing a reading tomorrow in Cambridge, Massachusetts:

8 pm

106 Prospect Street

with Norman Waksler and Lo Galluccio