Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Metazan's Christmas Charity E-Anthology

I have a new prose poem in this. The download is free, but a donation is suggested. Get it here:

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Character profile for my 3 day marathon book that I'm starting tomorrow

Johnny Sweatpants’ mother was the fattest, ugliest woman who had ever experienced a virginal birth. She was so annoyed about getting knocked up without all the fun that’s involved that she dropped her baby in the Hudson River, where he had fend for himself amongst the sewage. Dating guru, Ross Jefferies, was feeding off the river to meet his daily nutritional value when he found Johnny and took him home, cause, you know, chicks dig babies. Ross adopted Johnny and used him as a babe magnet. When Johnny got older and was no longer cute enough to exploit, his father paid him back for all the pootang he got him by home-schooling him, teaching him everything he knew about tricking beautiful women into bed.

Johnny also had an imaginary friend named Melba Toast until he turned eighteen. Other parents would have been troubled by the length of their friendship, but this did not concern his father. Johnny may have been completely out of his mind, but it was preferable to the trauma that would have accompanied the knowledge that he had no friends. Ross Jefferies did not teach him the social skills needed to make friends. Instead, he taught him how to pick up chicks. And the come on lines that he used on his peers did not make him in-demand as a friend. Instead, the pick-up lines made them beat the shit out of him.

The neighborhood children thought Johnny was a weirdo, hated him, and made fun of him at every opportunity. They referred to him as “Johnny Sweatpants” because he never wore sweatpants. This was peculiar because none of them wore sweatpants either. After finding out the explanation behind his moniker, Johnny wore sweatpants every day. But it was of no use. The neighborhood children kept referring to him by his nickname and beating the shit out of him after he complimented their beautiful blue eyes.

Upon reaching 18, he and Melba Toast agreed to a suicide pact. But while Melba Toast was able to decapitate himself by pulling off his own head, Johnny was only able to give himself a neck ache, which he was able to relieve by applying an ice pack. Then he went into a period of depression due to the loss of his only friend and his inability to do anything right. This ended when he blundered into a pet store one day and bought a thirty pound python named Lloyd.  Shortly after, his father told him he needed to get a job so he could afford his own place to live since Johnny was past the legal age. Johnny applied to a temp agency, received his first assignment doing clerical work for a cemetery, and found out he was very skilled with things like knowing his ABCs, taking orders, and kissing ass. Many other temporary assignments followed, and Johnny moved into a crummy apartment that he shared with an immaculately clean psychopath who hadn’t killed yet, but it was inevitable.

Johnny continued to wear sweatpants, except for at work, where it was mandatory to wear khaki pants. Since sweatpants were so comfortable, his biggest challenge at temp assignments was fighting against the urge to pull down his pants and run around the office screaming.

By this time in his life, Johnny was less socially inept, but still pretty bad. At least he could distinguish between how he should interact with the different genders. And although he still hits on women outside of work (which is the only way he knows how to act with them), this sort of behavior stopped at work after a number of sexual harassment suits sent him straight. After this, he only used three phrases when conversing with women in the workplace: yes, no, and I would prefer not to.

And of course, Johnny was still a virgin, and very lonely. He also had the ingrained fear of impregnating a woman who he had never been intimate of and having to face the consequences. He tried the bar scene, but didn’t have much luck, so he took up bank robbery. He figured women would be attracted to him because he thinks bad boys have good luck with women. And the fact that they’re under extreme stress, with a guy in a Richard Nixon mask pointing at their heads, helps a little too. So he’s been at the bank robbery game for years, and hasn’t had much luck finding a woman to have sex with, although it’s been really close. And being a temp worker makes it really easy for him to find the time to cross the border and hang out in Mexico until the heat dies down. He always makes sure to tell his agency whenever he’ll be unavailable.

So with each robbery, he takes a semi-beautiful woman hostage and travels with her down to Mexico, but they usually lose interest in him before he’s able to “become a man” and go back to the States without him. He’s not concerned with the money that he makes from his bank robberies. He uses it for his getaway, to pay off the right people, and to buy delicious sandwiches. He’s fairly well off, but always feels the need to do an honest day’s work when he’s out of danger, so he travels back to the U.S. to temp. It makes him feel better about being a criminal.

Johnny is known by the press as The Nixon Bandit for obvious reasons.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I'm auctioning off the movie rights to Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy

Here is a link to the Ebay listing:

And the item description:

Have you ever optioned a movie? If so, you probably paid tons of money for one story.

One story! Is that all?

Personally, I think you were ripped off.

I am auctioning off the movie rights to my book, Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, which contains 52 stories.

52 stories! That’s a lot of bang for your buck. It’s enough stories for you to release one movie a week for an entire year. Enough to start a movie empire!

Also, you will have the rights to the title, “Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy.” Who wouldn’t watch a movie called that? The title will appeal to a demographic that includes EVERYONE. Toddlers, teenagers, middle-agers, senior citizens. No one will be able to resist.

Never optioned a book before? Well, that’s ok. Because this is a great choice for your first time.

Do you have no idea how to make a movie? Don’t worry about it! You can learn as you film. Screw up one story and you will have 51 more to choose from, including these potential smash hits:

The Time Traveling Giraffe Is On Fire

Cormac McCarthy

Alligator in Space

Scenes from the Life of a Greeting Card Designer

A Suicidal Amputee Tries to Kill Himself By Rolling Off His Bed, Down the Stairs, Through the Screen Door, and Into Traffic; Some Dominican Kids Poke Him With Sticks Too, and an Eagle and an Eagle Shits on Him

And many, many, many more.

You can’t lose!

So let the bidding begin…

A legally binding contract will be sent to the winning bidder.

Find Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy at For more information, visit and

The bidding ends on Wednesday, December 22 at 8:53 PM EST.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

It Came from Below the Belt is going out of print on December 14th now would be a good time to buy it if you've been meaning to.

It is my first published book (and my first published novel) and I am very fond of it.

You can get it through Amazon.

Here is the back cover synopsis:

Meet Grover Goldstein: Twenty-First Century rascal, trainee provocateur, boy next door who won't stop snickering at you from behind the lawn gnome. Swallowed by a giraffe and regurgitated oodles of years into the future, Grover must satisfy his urge to go home—even if it means going back to high school and helping his severed, and sentient, penis win the presidential election.

Come along to Assumption High as Grover tries to answer the age-old question, "What if I had forgotten then what I don'’t know now?"

And blurbs:

"Bradley Sands’ debut novel is an absurdist dreamscape that subverts the physical laws of the world as we know it and exposes a brilliant new arena of bizarro existence. In It Came from Below the Belt, the body becomes a surreal, grotesque playground as enfant terrible Grover Goldstein tears through the libidinal fabric of time and space on an uncanny journey to the end of the night. This is speculative fiction at its best. Sands is a talented, fearsome, comic visionary who will usher you into the psychedelic matrix of futurity." - D. Harlan Wilson, author of The Kafka Effekt, Stranger on the Loose, and Pseudo-City

"Reading the work of Bradley Sands caused me to vomit happiness and sunshine from my eyeballs. Highly recommended." - Kevin Donihe, author of Shall We Gather at the Garden? and editor of Bare Bone

"I came, I saw, I read, I laughed, I fell out of my chair. You're more unstable than I am. Well done! Just beware those big brawny guys with the net. They're faster than they look. And you've got more books to write. Rock on." - Kris Saknussemm, author of Zanesville

A link to an excerpt:

And Lucas Aguirre's cover art:

Monday, November 29, 2010

Guest Blog with Seth Schultz

(Seth Schultz came up with the title for my newest book. I interviewed him a couple of years ago here. And I wrote a blog entry about him here.)

Hanging out with Brad is an interesting thing. The man's mind is always at work brainstorming new ideas and fine tuning his current writing projects. There is a level of precision in his writing that, as a slacker, I just don't get. But as a thinker I absolutely love. It is easy to get caught up in the process and want to throw your own ideas out just to participate.

Most of the time I would come up with half joke ideas. I am not a bizarro reader or writer, but I can come up with good ideas. On the rare occasion I come up with one Brad like he usually encourages me to use it and write something. But no, I am a slacker. When I came up with “Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy,” I happily let him use it.

It is a powerful title I must admit. Regret, destruction, and taboo sex in five words. I actually did go to a sort of orgy thing in the past. It was college, I was a sort of mini cult-leader/celebrity at the time and I knew some interesting people. But there is nothing quite like being a shy, physically and emotionally awkward man in a house full of mostly rambunctious, beautiful lesbians I had crushes on. It wasn't like a 70s porn orgy. I went, had a good time, hung out with awesome people while naked. Still, there is a particular human pain one experiences when feeling unwanted chastity around so much sensuality. Being self conscious of your unwanted self restraint. Knowing that by being chaste you are kind of killing the vibe. I think Leonard Cohen even wrote about how much shy people at orgies suck.

So yeah, that's where the idea came from. I kind of distilled it into something most people can recognize, then gave it to Brad, who let it blossom into the piece in his book, which I think also conveys that strange energy well.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Book review solicitations

Would anyone who does reviews for a publication of any sort like to review my new book, Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy? If so, contact me (It is a collection of prose poetry and short stories, and the first book published by Lazy Fascist, a new imprint of Eraserhead Press.

You can read more info about the book in the last entry (which may or may not be below, depending on how you are reading this).

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy and the event Thursday

My new book, Sorry Ruined Your Orgy, is now available here. It is a collection of prose poetry and short stories, and the first book published by Lazy Fascist, a new imprint of Eraserhead Press.

Here's the description:

Bizarro humorist Bradley Sands returns with one of the strangest, most hilarious collections of the year.

Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, the pope gets sued, a headless man falls in love with a bowl of rice, and architects dismantle the earth. A war breaks out over greeting cards. A suicidal amputee tries to kill himself. William S. Burroughs becomes an amateur archaeologist and Tao Lin drinks an ape-flavored smoothie.

Between a breakfast of clocks, a lunch date with Adolf Hitler, and breakdancing in outer space, anything is possible in the work of Bradley Sands. Just never wear a bear costume to an orgy.

And the blurbs:

"Nothing I could dream up compares to the strangeness and wildness of Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy. You should read this book." - SHANE JONES, author of Light Boxes

"Words cannot express what Bradley Sands can do with words. Every page in this book is shocking, hilarious, sad and surprising. Reading it is like crowd-surfing a bookstore full of basketball players on MDMA." - MYKLE HANSEN, author of Help! A Bear is Eating Me!

"Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy is like an Adult Swim show written by Russell Edson." - CARLTON MELLICK III, author of The Faggiest Vampire

And Sam Pink did the cover art.

Also, The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day is coming up fast and furiously on Thursday.

This morning, I woke to Betty White's maniacal attempt to prevent it from happening, to the sounds of octogenarian fists punching through walls. The deceased members of The Golden Girls lurched towards me out of the cracks, moaning, "coupons, coupons" while staring intently at my skull and licking their putrid lips.

I said, "Stop! This is inappropriate! You are desecrating your memory! I feel greatly offended on your behalf! You are The Golden Girls! The Golden Girls are...awesome!"

But they did not stop frightening me, so I was forced to pick up a Seinfield DVD case and beat them with it (gently, and with a great deal of respect) until they vacated my premises.

Your necromancy can't stop The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day, Betty White! Nothing can stop it, Betty! Nothing!

And I just want to pause here to mention that if you want to take advantage of Amazon's free Super Saver Shipping (where you have to buy $25 worth of stuff), Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy would make a good companion book, although you would still be missing a few dollars. I suggest buying a pair of 3D glasses or fruit or something to make up the difference. Or if you want your book selections to be a little more diverse, I recommend a volume of the Captain Underpants series.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day

I declare October 14th The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day. To celebrate this day, I ask that you go to and buy the softcover version of my new-ish story collection, My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! Do this, and you will also have the opportunity to win some neato prizes. You may also celebrate the day by helping me get the word out about the book.

Read below to learn of my recent experiences with malignancy and my plan to conquer all evil:

“My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes!” is a story that was supposed to appear in my short story collection, which shares the same title. Due to either supernatural malignancy or the efforts of sinister actress, Betty White, the story vanished from the book after it was sent to the printer.

My publisher and I tried many times to correct the mysterious omission, but each attempt resulted in failure. Soon, the file containing the story deleted itself from my computer. Luckily, I originally wrote it in a notebook, so it was not lost forever. But when I tried to transcribe the story into my word processor, the computer exploded.

Considering I never give up when faced with adversary, I tried many more computers, and they all exploded. And since I live well below the poverty line, I was forced to steal all the computers. The story has turned me into a criminal!

Also, there is something very peculiar about the handwritten copy of the story. You’ll probably think I’m totally crazy, but at night while I sleep, I’m woken up by the story’s words floating off the page to film dating shows for television. I don’t know why this is so freakin’ great, but I’ve been approached by tons of rogue government agencies who keep trying to buy the handwritten story from me for ridiculous sums of money.

I was seriously considering taking one of those creeps up on his offer, because I am living below the poverty line, but decided to sleep on it. That night, a person smashed through my roof and tried to steal it. They were wearing a mask and a tight, black leather outfit. A cord was tied to them, which was attached to a helicopter that hovered in the sky above the hole in my roof. I fought the intruder off by engaging in a tickle war. And I totally rule at tickle wars. While I was annihilating them, I ripped off their mask. And the intruder’s true identity was revealed: It was Betty White!

Embarrassed by her defeat, Betty White pushed a button on her tight leather outfit and her cord lifted her back up to the helicopter. Then she and her infernal flying machine escaped.

Now I’m super pissed. Betty White isn’t going to get my story! A rogue government agent isn’t going to get my story! I’m giving my story to a person who helps me get my revenge against Miss White, and maybe this person is you.

So listen, this is my plan: On October 14th, I will get my revenge on Betty White, but I need your help. Currently, Betty White's autobiography, Here We Go Again: My Life In Television, is a bestseller on Amazon even though it won't be released until two day before The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day). With your assistance, we can defeat its sales rank. All you need to do is buy my book, My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! on October 14th. It would also be a huge help if you could promote this event on places like facebook and twitter and in your blog. Also, I encourage you to use these means to let the public know of any sightings of Betty White or other reptoid aliens. Also, feel free to tell us about your turn-ons and turn-offs if you’re interested in appearing on the disembodied letters’ dating show (you just might be the next contestant)!

Please help me get my revenge on the actress, who I’m pretty sure is a reptoid alien beneath her kind grandmotherly looks.

And now you’re asking, “What’s in it for me?”

Well, besides being the proud owner of quality Bradley Sands literature, you will be eligible to win prices.

Grand Prize: A handwritten copy of the mysterious story, “My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes,” along with a lifetime subscription to all of my forthcoming books.

First Runner Up: A few porn magazines that I’ll buy from a nearby newspaper and tobacco shop. Must be 18 or over, otherwise, you will win a few teen magazines about hunky guys and cute girls. Also, the winner should let me know their tastes in pornography and I will attempt to cater to them.

Second Runner Up: A collection of random objects from my room!

So how do you win?

Once you receive your book, email the third word of the first sentence in the fifth paragraph on page 73 to and you will be entered into a drawing. It’s that easy!

So help me annihilate Betty White! Not only will you get a cool book out of the deal and maybe win some awesome stuff, but you will also feel really good about yourself after. Say goodbye to any low self-esteem!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


My new story collection is officially out, so maybe I should promote it. The book is called My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes! This morning while waiting for the bus, I saw a man on the side of the road. He was sweaty, wearing a statue of liberty costume, and holding a sign that said, "Two days left to file!" He was sweaty because he was dancing. I think he might have also been on crystal meth, or just a lot of gourmet coffee. I approached him and said, "Hey, statue of liberty. You're really good at promoting things. Can you help me promote my new book?" He sneered and set my clothes on fire with his torch. I ran around the street in slow motion. The effect of slow motion and not dying was achieved with the assistance of film and music video director, Spike Jonez. It cost me a lot of money, so I decided to stop running in slow motion and start promoting on my blog since it's a little cheaper. I may or may not still be on fire.

You can find all the info about the book here:

Also, I'm offering personalized, autographed (softcover) copies through my website. During this special one-time offer, I will use my eerie powers to predict the cause of your death. You may not know about my psychic abilities, but they are something fierce. A bunch of nights ago, I was walking down the street with superstar poet, Daniel Bailey, and I was all like, "What time is it? 2:30?" And then I looked at the clock on my cell phone and it was 2:30. It was freaky! And Daniel Bailey can back me up on that shit.

Already, I can see something comical interfering with your respiratory system's ability to function. Like Dwight Johnson from Hartford, Massachusetts. Yes, I'm talking to you, Dwight Johnson from Hartford, Massachusetts. And I'm sorry to tell you this, but you will die by....MAGNETS!!!

My skillz will delight your friends and family, helping them through their emotional pain with the power of laughter. Accuracy guaranteed or your money back.

Now I'm going to be totally redundant and give you that link again cause it's the place where you can make all of your death-revealing dreams come true:

It's like a commercial on TV or something where they repeat their toll free number fifty times.

And once again, that link is

Operators are standing by.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

AWP Stuff

I'm attending the conference in Denver. Psyched!

My second book, My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes! is debuting there. But Amazon beat my publisher and I to the punch, so you can buy it from them NOW if you're not going to the conference:

If you are going, I'll be around HTMLGIANT's table during the book fair, so stop by and say hey.

I am participating in two readings, and I organized a third.

So here's the info:

Mud Luscious Press/flatmancrooked reading (Author Vs Puppet): Friday, April 9th. 4 pm during the book fair at the flatmancrooked table.

Readers: Me, Joanna Ruocco, Alyssa Knickerbocker, Molly Gaudry, Emma Straub, Elizabeth Ellen, Edan Lepucki, Jac Jemc, and Aaron Burch.

Two hours later:

The Velvet/Outsider Writer's Press reading: Also Friday, April 9th. 6 pm at Leela's European Cafe (820 15th Street)

$2 off any book with a drink purchase.

Readers: Me, Caleb J. Ross, Rayo Casablanca, Richard Thomas, Nik Korpon, Gavin Pate, Gordon Highland, Paul Eckert, and some other dudes.

And introducing the Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens Reading Series: Elevator-permitting, a few of our contributors will read their short work during various times throughout the book fair. Meet at HTMLGIANT's table at the specified times if you would like to be a listener. Space is extremely limited.

Ryan Bradley (Thursday, 12 PM)
Amelia Gray (Thursday, 1:30 PM)
Matthew Simmons (Friday, 1...:30 PM)
Mike Young and Gabe Durham (doubleheaders, mystery time and mystery day)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Blurbs for My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes!

Here are the blurbs so far. Thanks, guys!

"There's a place past all reason, most possibility, and all the jokes I can think of. A place shaped kind of like the human heart. Bradley Sands doesn't write about this place, but he writes from it, pushing farther into the unguessable with each word, each scene."
—Stephen Graham Jones, author of Demon Theory & It Came From Del Rio

"A Bradley Sands story is not like any story you’ve read before… [Sands] discounts reality in a way that renders it obsolete. The book’s strength lies in the way irreverent images are juxtaposed, repeatedly, often rhythmically, creating a sensation that has no use for the traditional confines of literature."
—Outsider Writers Collective & Press

"There is a disorienting alchemy at work in Bradley Sands' fiction. Here phantasmagoria shifts into stand-up and the avant-garde saddles up besides the geek. Imagine: a hyper-palimpsest beneath which burbles a heady brew of surrealism, poetry, memoir, and horror all set to a DaDa soundtrack that sounds surprisingly like the End of the World."
—Rayo Casablanca, author of 6 Sick Hipsters and Very Mercenary

"Reading this collection is like ingesting a bag of fun-colored candy, removing your stomach, and then taking it to a party for use as a pinata. Some readers will love these stories, some readers will hate them but, displayed throughout, is a true love of language and a generous dose of creativity." —Andersen Prunty, author of The Beard

Monday, February 15, 2010

things are happening

Issue Y'aing'ngah of Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens is out and available online as a free download.

It includes stories by Mykle Hansen, Brandi Wells, xTx, Nicole Cushing, Gabe Durham, R.E. Greene, and Jeff Lawhead. Contains book reviews of D. Harlan Wilson's Peckinpah and L.V. Rautenbaumgrabner's As I Was Cutting and Other Nastinesses. Cover art by Kristian Adam.


My twilight wanderings had led me far. In the plains of Jum I saw pigs that walked as men and muttered wicked chants to an ancient wrathful god, in the city of Ka'esran, I beheld a chorus of wicked children piercing hearts with eldritch secrets meant for no man's ears, I met a lady whose most loving touch brought only pain and was almost deafened by the klaxons of interminable war! But, it was worth it to make it past the gibbering madnesses around me and into the company of the goddess Nish-Fkyua, The-Laugh-That-Mocks-Creation. Her skin was a thousand cats in tight corsets, her eyes two hungry Skramps, and her wide open vagina a Gnufrat of most resplendent hideousness. Her voice caused my fingernails to break off in unison and my eyes to melt into pools of jelly. But, what she told me, the ghastly primal, was worth the price I had paid and the untold millions of miles I had journeyed:

"Beyond the gates of Eth there lies a palace of dark opulence, where a king with no eyes sits upon pillows of manflesh waiting. He waits to lead the most courageous and foolish of men into a place of unspeakable horror and delight. He will take you to a golden door engraved with symbols in old Qothric that tell of the secret location of another door atop a perilous mountain where the Masters from Above Time meet every thousand years to plot the end of being. When you get there, you must...


Get it here.

I'll be attending AWP in Denver from April 7-10. My story collection, My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! will be debuting. I will be selling it at the HTMLGIANT table during the book fair (along with copies of It Came from Below the Belt, Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens #9, and The Bizarro Starter Kit (Blue).

I'm also doing two readings:

Mud Luscious Press/Flatmancrooked Puppet-Theatre Reading - on April 9th, 4:00 pm, at the Flatmancrooked table during the bookfair.


OW Press/The Velvet Reading at Leela's European Cafe, on Friday, from 6-9:

In other news, Eraserhead Press is offering more free bizarro book PDFs until the end of the month: Andersen Prunty's Zerostrata and Carlton Mellick's The Haunted Vagina (which are two of my personal favorites), Jordan Krall's Piecemeal June, and the first two issues of The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction. I have a piece in the first issue titled, "How to Write a Short Story!" You can also find it online in an old issue of The Dream People, but the "The Magazine" issue also has a lot of other good stuff. Go here to download:

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Why I Write

I used to think I did it because it's the only thing that I'm good at. And although that's somewhat true, I don't think it's the actual reason.

Another reason is that I get depressed when I go through a period of time without writing.

But here is the most significant reason:

I have done a writing exercise called "I remember" a number of times in classes where I was a student as well as a teacher. For the exercise, I would write "I remember" before each sentence and write about memories from my past. By doing this exercises, I have thought of things I have not remembered for years. Some of them I haven't remembered since they happened.

And this is related to the reason why I write. I never know what's going to be transferred from my brain and onto the screen (or the page). And it is always exciting to find out.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Does anyone (who is associated with a publication or review site) want to review my upcoming story collection? My publisher has a limited amount of review copies. The book is called My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes! and Raw Dog Screaming Press is publishing it in April. You can go here for more info:

If you're interested, email me at