Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day

I declare October 14th The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day. To celebrate this day, I ask that you go to and buy the softcover version of my new-ish story collection, My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! Do this, and you will also have the opportunity to win some neato prizes. You may also celebrate the day by helping me get the word out about the book.

Read below to learn of my recent experiences with malignancy and my plan to conquer all evil:

“My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes!” is a story that was supposed to appear in my short story collection, which shares the same title. Due to either supernatural malignancy or the efforts of sinister actress, Betty White, the story vanished from the book after it was sent to the printer.

My publisher and I tried many times to correct the mysterious omission, but each attempt resulted in failure. Soon, the file containing the story deleted itself from my computer. Luckily, I originally wrote it in a notebook, so it was not lost forever. But when I tried to transcribe the story into my word processor, the computer exploded.

Considering I never give up when faced with adversary, I tried many more computers, and they all exploded. And since I live well below the poverty line, I was forced to steal all the computers. The story has turned me into a criminal!

Also, there is something very peculiar about the handwritten copy of the story. You’ll probably think I’m totally crazy, but at night while I sleep, I’m woken up by the story’s words floating off the page to film dating shows for television. I don’t know why this is so freakin’ great, but I’ve been approached by tons of rogue government agencies who keep trying to buy the handwritten story from me for ridiculous sums of money.

I was seriously considering taking one of those creeps up on his offer, because I am living below the poverty line, but decided to sleep on it. That night, a person smashed through my roof and tried to steal it. They were wearing a mask and a tight, black leather outfit. A cord was tied to them, which was attached to a helicopter that hovered in the sky above the hole in my roof. I fought the intruder off by engaging in a tickle war. And I totally rule at tickle wars. While I was annihilating them, I ripped off their mask. And the intruder’s true identity was revealed: It was Betty White!

Embarrassed by her defeat, Betty White pushed a button on her tight leather outfit and her cord lifted her back up to the helicopter. Then she and her infernal flying machine escaped.

Now I’m super pissed. Betty White isn’t going to get my story! A rogue government agent isn’t going to get my story! I’m giving my story to a person who helps me get my revenge against Miss White, and maybe this person is you.

So listen, this is my plan: On October 14th, I will get my revenge on Betty White, but I need your help. Currently, Betty White's autobiography, Here We Go Again: My Life In Television, is a bestseller on Amazon even though it won't be released until two day before The Day Your Heart Stood Still...Day). With your assistance, we can defeat its sales rank. All you need to do is buy my book, My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! on October 14th. It would also be a huge help if you could promote this event on places like facebook and twitter and in your blog. Also, I encourage you to use these means to let the public know of any sightings of Betty White or other reptoid aliens. Also, feel free to tell us about your turn-ons and turn-offs if you’re interested in appearing on the disembodied letters’ dating show (you just might be the next contestant)!

Please help me get my revenge on the actress, who I’m pretty sure is a reptoid alien beneath her kind grandmotherly looks.

And now you’re asking, “What’s in it for me?”

Well, besides being the proud owner of quality Bradley Sands literature, you will be eligible to win prices.

Grand Prize: A handwritten copy of the mysterious story, “My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes,” along with a lifetime subscription to all of my forthcoming books.

First Runner Up: A few porn magazines that I’ll buy from a nearby newspaper and tobacco shop. Must be 18 or over, otherwise, you will win a few teen magazines about hunky guys and cute girls. Also, the winner should let me know their tastes in pornography and I will attempt to cater to them.

Second Runner Up: A collection of random objects from my room!

So how do you win?

Once you receive your book, email the third word of the first sentence in the fifth paragraph on page 73 to and you will be entered into a drawing. It’s that easy!

So help me annihilate Betty White! Not only will you get a cool book out of the deal and maybe win some awesome stuff, but you will also feel really good about yourself after. Say goodbye to any low self-esteem!