Thursday, February 28, 2008

Electrical Vegetable Dinosaur King

This is Seth Schultz

He is my favorite person who lives in my town.

He is a vegetarian. He believes that bacon is a vegetable.

He is obsessed with the apocalypse. He's the guy that you want to be hanging out with after the bomb drops. He will survive. You will survive. He has a survival kit. The survival kit contains plastic bags. They are very useful. They are in case you're dying from a slow, agonizing death from radiation poisoning. You are supposed to put it over your head for a little while. Seth will not need one. He will not have radiation poisoning. He will live forever. He does not want to live forever, but he is probably ok with this. He will give you a plastic bag from his survival kit because he is really nice.

I met Seth over ten years ago.

He was in my Greek Mythology class in college. It was a very big lecture hall. He stood out because his hair was dyed to resemble a leopard. He liked to attach Schwa alien stickers to the back of seats. He has never been brought to justice for his crimes.

Once after class, I approached him and introduced myself. I think he was the only person who I approached out of the blue during my time in college. I am shy. Although I am sure that I probably approached a lot of people when I was drunk and shouted random nonsense at them. I enjoyed doing this. So I think Seth is the only person who I approached while I was sober. I think I may have asked him if he was a Subgenius. This was my excuse for approaching him. I don't know why I thought he was a Subgenius. Maybe he wore a Bob Dobbs t-shirt one day or something.

Seth told me that his name was Booga.

I didn't find out his real name until a few years after graduation. It was in an email and I was very confused. His real name used to be a closely guarded secret. I think Booga may have killed everyone who found out or something. He really liked the Tank Girl comic.

After that, I was never really friends with him. He was my acquaintance. I liked saying hi to him.

He started a student club. MAMO or Mutants Against Majority Organization. I think it was originally supposed to be called Mutants Against the Majority, but Booga wanted the group's newsletter to be called The Mammogram.

MAMO became an official student group. They had permission from the chancellor to march in parades. They had permission from the chancellor to organize campus events.

MAMO was mostly about doing goofy stuff. I never joined, but I once went to a weekly meeting. They ran out of things to say after a while. It was a little boring for a few minutes. Somebody said "Let's have a dance party!" They had a dance party. There was no music. I like dance parties without music. I like dance parties without music when they happen during the weekly meeting of a student group.

MAMO was a cult.

Booga was a cult leader.

He does not deny this. I get the impression that its members did everything that he said.

He was a popular guy, a big man on campus, everybody knew who he was.

I had a party on X-Day at my summer sublet. I fell asleep an hour before the world was supposed to end. Maybe it did, but it was still around when I woke up the next day.

Booga went to the big X-Day event. The world did not end, as it was supposed to. I think he still had a good time. The Reverend Ivan Stang said something about there being a miscalculation and that X-Day would now happen the following year. The Church of the Subgenius has an X-Day even every year. Less and less people show up to them. I don't think Seth has taken the Church of the Subgenius as seriously ever since the world didn't end the first time around.

I graduated. I moved away. I lived in a bunch of different places. I moved back. My friend, Dan, quit his machinist job at a salsa and hummus factory. I took over his job. I got free hummus and salsa. I dipped pretzels in my free hummus. I worked with Seth on a machine that was called The Small Machine. This was a pretty lame name. Another machine had a better name: Robocop. Robocop never worked. It just stood around looking sinister. It didn't look like Robocop. It looked like the ED-209 that Robocop fought in the first movie, but the ED-209 is an even lamer name than The Small Machine, so they called it Robocop.

The Small Machine helped Seth and I to seal, date, and lid cups of salsa. Sponge Bob lived on the machine's plunger. Eventually Sponge Bob had to stop living on the machine's plunger because it stopped working properly. The Small Machine liked Seth more than me. This was because MacGyver is his role model. Since MacGyver is his role model, Seth has the ability to fix anything with a roll of duct tape. He can fix a broken relationship with duct tape, or a dead baby or the ozone layer. But he's too busy fixing The Small Machine every day to work on any of those things.

The Small Machine broke down almost every day, often many times a day. No one has any idea how to fix it. Seth relies on the trial and error technique. He sticks duct tape onto random parts of the machine until it works. I never got the hang of this, which is why I no longer work there. I was laid off because MacGyver is not my role model.

I worked there for two years, so I am getting ahead of myself.

The Small Machine does not have an instruction book. It has been upgraded so many times that it does not exist. It is very old. There are only two members of the small machine family currently being used in factories in this country. The other Small Machine may be in the company's other factory in Chicago. My employer did not like to spend money, unless it was on non-functioning machines that resembled Robocop's arch-nemesis. I do not blame him.

I would often have to work for ten to twelve hours at a time. My feet hurt a lot at first. I got used to it. I spent a lot of time with Seth. Working on a machine for ten to twelve hours at a time was very boring. He did not like responding to my knock knock jokes. After the first few jokes of the day, he would ignore my pleading for him to answer the door. I think the problem was that I did not come up with the joke until after it left my mouth. It never made any sense, but I liked it better this way.

I gave Seth a new nickname every day. I felt that he deserved this for going by a different name for four years. My favorites nicknames are Nickname and Electrical Vegetable Dinosaur King. He would often not respond to his nicknames. He could often be a party pooper. I believe one of his other nicknames was party pooper.

I got to know Seth very well.

I discovered that Booga was an interdimensional entity that possessed Seth's body during his college years. I have discovered that Booga is dead.

The interdimensional entity's death does not surprise me consider he/she/it had a completely different personality. While Booga was an outgoing social butterfly, Seth is quiet, anti-social, and almost a hermit. It is often extremely difficult to convince him to leave his house except to go to work. He seems to love his job. I do not share his enthusiasm for dull repetition. I became even less enthusiastic once the factory moved thirty minutes away (it used to be walking distance from my house). And much much much worse, the new room that we worked in was refrigerated. I am a wimp when it comes to the cold.

Seth was working on an autobiography a while back. It was called Mutant Memoirs. I read a little. It was pretty good, but I think he gave up on it after discovering that he would be unable to come back as a zombie and finish the book after his death. I don't think he is bothered by this.

After that, he tried a new project. A housing project. Called Project Moonracer, maybe. He wanted to get a bunch of people together to buy a house and live there for the rest of their lives. This did not work out. I don't think he is bothered by this.

Now he is working on a book about managing your money. I forget what it is called, but it has the word mutant(s) in the title. I think he really likes the X-Men. He also has a giant flat screen TV. It is as big as the planet Pluto. It is so big that he needs to keep it in space. An idiot scientist hasn't discovered it yet and named the new flat screen TV planet after himself. I expect this to happen within the upcoming weeks.

I think that Seth should put his giant flat screen TV that he keeps in space on the cover of his book. It will help establish his credentials. He should probably miniaturize the image though. Or maybe each copy of his book could be as his giant flat screen TV that he keeps in space. This will be a good promotional gimmick. He will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for writing the world's largest book about managing your money. This would be the greatest free advertising ever. He will go on Larry King and tell the world that the best way to manage their money is to not buy his book because it is extremely expensive due to the thousands of miles of forests that needed to be cut down to produce each copy. After the extremely limited first print run sells out, it will be reprinted in a miniaturized paperback edition. It will sell quazillions. It will be the next Dianetics. Seth will be possessed by another interdimensional entity. He will start another cult. I don't know what it will be called, but the subtitle that it will use in press releases will be "The Religion of Economic Stability."

Seth tells me that he has completed half of his book. Still, I doubt his ability to finish it, although I think it's more likely to happen than his past endeavors since it is a lot more realistic. But if he doesn't finish it, he will not be bothered by this.

This is why I wish I was Seth.

I once asked him if he had any goals for the future.

He said that he has no goals for the future.

I do not think his goal is to finish a book about managing your money. I just think he's enjoying writing it and he doesn't care if it never gets completed.

I hate having goals. I will destroy them.

Seth is the calmest person who I have ever met. He is content with his life. I have never seen him get angry. He does not seem to have any stress.

I am the most stressed out person in the galaxy. And I have absolutely nothing to be stressed out about. And within the past year, stress has begun to cause me physical pain.

Seth is a Buddhist monk, except he is neither a Buddhist nor a monk. I love to hang out with him. He gives off a feeling of reassurance and comfort. He needs to teach me about chakras.

Seth doesn't talk a lot. My friend thinks that he's boring, but he just doesn't understand. Occasionally, Seth and I have some great conversations. But we have more comfortable silences.

Since I was laid off by the salsa factory, I've enjoyed spending time with him more. After hours and hours of comfortable silences while working on a machine, I would begin to feel an urge to throw Seth down a well and replace him with someone who was a little chattier. It's nicer now that I only see him a couple of days a week.

I wonder if I should eat Seth's brain. Ancient people believed that when a warrior ate his victim's brain, he would also absorb his essence. I think I mentioned this in my oral presentation about cannibalism in film that I did for my horror movie class in college.

Maybe I will chill the fuck out if I eat Seth's brain.

I don't think I will eat Seth's brain. I am a picky eater and I don't think it would taste good. And it would prevent him from becoming the dictator and supreme overlord of the Earth.

I would not want that.

Bow down Earthlings before your new master.

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