Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I used to like reading tales of the paranormal and true ghost stories when I was in elementary school.

Anyone who submits to my lit journal and describes their story as a tale in their cover letter is getting an automatic rejection. I will also destroy your city. I am a lactose intolerant person. I couldn't think of the word intolerant. I had to google it. I just added the word lactose because I thought it was funny. I am tired. I am often forgetting simple words and calling up my friends in other time zones for their assistance. This affliction is called lethologica. I had to look that up to. It is my favorite word. It will use it for the title of a novel if I ever write one that is dull and pretentious.

When I was in elementary school, thoughts of the paranormal and true ghosts kept me awake at night. I could not get a tale of a malevolent version of the Addams family's Thing out of my head. I believed that it would scuttle into my room as I slept and choke me to death.

There was one collection of paranormal tales called The Crystal Skull that I would get from the library a lot. It was the worst. The title story was about a cursed crystal that had been carved into it, I think. It was priceless. Its owners kept being victims to cliches. The skull kept changing hands after death. Rich people are stoopid.

When I was in elementary school, I would wake my parents up in the middle of the night and tell them that I couldn't fall asleep. I did not tell them that fear of paranormal tales was the reason why. I did not know that I was pretty much nocturnal at the time. Instead, I told them that stomachaches were keeping me awake. There may have been some truth to this. I cannot recall.

I had a stomachache today. Bought some chewy Tum things. They tasted like candy, like Starbursts maybe. I did not expect Tums to be so delicious.

I lied. They were not Tums. They were Rolaids. I just checked. I have a few more. Maybe I will eat one.

When I was in elementary school, my parents took me to the hospital to get tests because of my alleged stomaches. I did not tell the doctors about the paranormal tales and true ghost stories. They made me drink like ten cups of sugar water. It was torture. It tasted horribly.

This is how I found out that I was lactose intolerant.

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