My Biggest Regret

I am building a bomb.

When my bomb goes off, all every plant, animal, and mineral on Earth will be left unharmed.

When my bomb goes off, every last cup of coffee will be annihilated.

When my bomb goes off, every coffee bean will be decimated.

If I can't drink coffee, no one can drink coffee.

Coffee used to be my favorite thing.

I didn't like it until after I graduated from college. I forced myself to drink it. I am mostly nocturnal. It got me through nine to five office jobs. It felt like a passage into adulthood. A coming of age story starring me and a cup of coffee.

I grew to love the taste. It really helped my fiction. The caffeine did things to my brain. It pulled it and stretched it until it was shaped like the brain of a fiction writer. The coffee gave me the state of mind that was necessary to be creative. The coffee and I were friends. Goods friends. Platonic friends.

But now we are enemies.

If I drink a cup of coffee, I will wake up the next day with an immense amount of head pain.

My favorite coffee is sold by a coffee shop in my town called The Haymarket. It is very strong. My town's official phrase is "Northampton: Where the coffee is strong and the women are stronger."

I don't know how official that is. I've seen it on a sign at the town's parking garage. But it looked pretty official to me.

I just googled the phrase and got one hit. I have been informed that souvenir shops sell mugs that have this phrase written on it.

Mugs are for hot beverages, like coffee. I have altered my bomb. It now also destroys mugs.

There are a lot of lesbians who live in my town. A lot of them look pretty strong.

The last time I drank a Haymarket coffee, I had head pain for two days in a row.

I have since tried their decaffeinated coffee. It was terrible. I suspect that all decaffeinated coffee is terrible.

My bomb will leave all decaffeinated coffee unharmed.

I think decaffeinated coffee tastes like non-alcoholic beer. I'm not sure if I've have had non-alcoholic beer though. It doesn't matter. I'm still pretty sure they taste the same.

Since I don't like head pain, I don't drink coffee anymore. My writing has suffered, my internal body clock has suffered, my life has suffered.

I will make your lives suffer along with mine. I believe there will be a drastic increase in automobile accidents. I will try to forget that this is my fault.