I have a hat. I like it a lot. It is warm. It is wool, I think. It kind of looks like a beret. I've had it for about ten years. My mother bought it for me in a department store while we were shopping. She did not like the hat. I insisted.
I made a promise to myself that I would commit suicide if I ever lost the hat. I made this promise when I was very depressed. I have chosen to keep this promise. But I keep changing the definition of "lost." How long does something have to be gone before it is permanently lost?
I used to think it was a week, but now it is fifty years.
It needs to be fifty years. I have more books to write.
If I lose my hat for fifty years, then I will kill myself.
I have lost it many times, but it keeps coming back to me. We have been apart for a very long time on numerous occasions - maybe six months tops.
Once I left my hat at my friend's apartment in Rhode Island. I have never lived in Rhode Island. I'm pretty sure she wore it. I do not know if she told me that she had the hat in a timely fashion. She might have sent it to me through the mail after many months of enjoyable hat wearing. Or maybe she gave it back to me the next time I visited. Maybe I have already killed myself because of this and am currently living in the afterlife.
My theory about the afterlife is that it's stupid to have a theory because no one has a fucking clue, but I'm leaning towards the idea that the afterlife isn't any different than its predecessor.
That is pretty depressing.
Once I lost my hat in a bag of clothes that I didn't want. I didn't find it until many many many months later. I never thought a bag of clothes that I didn't want would try to kill me. We are still not speaking.
I do not have a name for a hat. I think it needs one.
How about Hattie? No, that is too stupid.
Or Frenchie? No, that reminds me of Tracey Ullman starring in a sub-par Woody Allen movie and I do not like Tracey Ullman because she played Divine in the only bad John Waters movie.
I am having trouble coming up with a name for my hat.
I have a name for my coat. It is Mr. Puff. He is really ugly looking, but very warm. My ex-girlfriend named him. I have another, more fashionable, coat. It does not keep out the cold as well. It does not have a name. I think that Mr. Puff could kick my more fashionable coat's ass in a fight.