Tuesday, April 13, 2010

ACT NOW!

My new story collection is officially out, so maybe I should promote it. The book is called My Heart Said No, but the Camera Crew Said Yes! This morning while waiting for the bus, I saw a man on the side of the road. He was sweaty, wearing a statue of liberty costume, and holding a sign that said, "Two days left to file!" He was sweaty because he was dancing. I think he might have also been on crystal meth, or just a lot of gourmet coffee. I approached him and said, "Hey, statue of liberty. You're really good at promoting things. Can you help me promote my new book?" He sneered and set my clothes on fire with his torch. I ran around the street in slow motion. The effect of slow motion and not dying was achieved with the assistance of film and music video director, Spike Jonez. It cost me a lot of money, so I decided to stop running in slow motion and start promoting on my blog since it's a little cheaper. I may or may not still be on fire.

You can find all the info about the book here: www.bradleysands.com/books-myheart.htm

Also, I'm offering personalized, autographed (softcover) copies through my website. During this special one-time offer, I will use my eerie powers to predict the cause of your death. You may not know about my psychic abilities, but they are something fierce. A bunch of nights ago, I was walking down the street with superstar poet, Daniel Bailey, and I was all like, "What time is it? 2:30?" And then I looked at the clock on my cell phone and it was 2:30. It was freaky! And Daniel Bailey can back me up on that shit.

Already, I can see something comical interfering with your respiratory system's ability to function. Like Dwight Johnson from Hartford, Massachusetts. Yes, I'm talking to you, Dwight Johnson from Hartford, Massachusetts. And I'm sorry to tell you this, but you will die by....MAGNETS!!!

My skillz will delight your friends and family, helping them through their emotional pain with the power of laughter. Accuracy guaranteed or your money back.

Now I'm going to be totally redundant and give you that link again cause it's the place where you can make all of your death-revealing dreams come true: http://www.bradleysands.com/books-myheart.htm

It's like a commercial on TV or something where they repeat their toll free number fifty times.

And once again, that link is www.bradleysands.com/books-myheart.htm

Operators are standing by.

3 comments:

Jason Gusmann said...

and what's that number again brad?

daniel bailey said...

i back you up on that shit, bradley. eerie.

Bradley Sands said...

Shit. I predicted that magnets thing before I saw that Insane Clown Posse video.