Monday, February 23, 2009

King Arthur is totally insane

A while ago, I was researching King Arthur for my novel, so I read a book about King Arthur and his knights. I remember it being totally insane. I stumbled across my notes. They prove that the book was totally insane. I enjoyed reading these notes again. You can too:

A king sends a message to Arthur saying that he will spare him if he send him his beard. He has cut off the beards of the kings that he has conquered and used them to make a border on his royal cloak. If Arthur doesn’t send him his beard, the king threatens to also take his head.

Arthur promises a gift to the lady of the lake in return for Excalibur. She asks for a knight’s (Balyn) head (the knight drew a magical sword and refused to part with it. Drawing it meant he was without wickedness). The knight ends up cutting off the lady of the lake’s head. Arthur is pissed. The knight makes everything ok again by defeating the beard king.

He kills an evil knight who makes himself invisible. The king that he serves chases him. He runs into the room where the holy grail and the spear of destiny are kept. He wounds the king with the spear (the king is/becomes the fisher king).

The knight fights another knight to get permission to enter a castle. It is his brother. He does not know he’s his brother. They kill each other. Oops.

Merlin is totally fucking annoying. He is always spoiling the plot and revealing things that will happen much later on. Maybe he should do this in my book, but he should always be wrong so it doesn’t spoil the plot.

One of the knights of the round table is called Tor. Lancelot kills him when he’s trying to rescue Guenewhatever from execution.

“The names of the knights of the round table shall live forever.” Interesting comment that Merlin makes on the immorality of characters of folklore.

First quest for round table knights – happens during Arthur’s wedding feast. Deer runs in, followed by hunting dog and hounds. Dog knocks over knight. Knight grabs dog and rides away. Damsel shows up, says it’s her dog and she wants it back. Unfamiliar knight rides up and kidnaps her. Arthur assigns three knights to each find the deer, dog and knight, and damsel. Bring these things together. “This adventure was made for the feast.” I guess Merlin set it up with magic. Gawain and another knight (probably non-round table) fight over deer. I am confused.

Deer runs towards castle, followed by hounds. Hounds destroy it. Castle guy runs out. He is pissed because he gave the deer to his sweetie as a gift and now it is dead. Vows vengeance against hounds. Gawain volunteers to take their place. This is all very silly. As Gawain is about to cut off the castle guy’s head, his sweetie flings her body on top of her man. Gawain accidentally cuts off her head. Oops. Gawain keeps sending knights that fuck with him to King Arthur. It is weird. Castle guy’s knights fuck him up and take him prisoner. A bunch of fair ladies annoy them until they let him out. They make him promise to ride around with the castle guy’s sweetie’s rotting head.

Sir Tor’s horse is attacked by a dwarf.

The knights are always running into problems because other knights won’t let them pass unless they defeat them in combat. This is stupid. It’s like a bad movie with a gang who won’t let someone walk through their territory.

Sir Tor defeats the stupid knight and sends him and the dwarf to King Arthur. His castle will be very crowded. I guess these knights are new or something and they don’t know how to do anything but tell their enemies to go hang out with their king.

The dwarf asks to be Tor’s servant. Tor is cool with this even though the little fella attacked his horse.

Everybody in the King Arthur myths are totally insane. They fight to the death over every little thing. There is only enough cheerios for one person. Two people want a nutritious breakfast. They will fight to the death. This chivalry shit is fucking weird. They love chopping off people’s heads. Weird code of ethics.

Another knight finds the damsel. Two knights are “battling furiously over her.”


Matt DeBenedictis said...

dwarfs are horses. That fight has been going on forrreeeeeeva.

Bradley Sands said...

Let's hang out.

Matt DeBenedictis said...

Let's. We can turn a street corner into the mushroom kingdom. I get to be Luigi.

Bradley Sands said...

I am jumping over walls, looking for a warp zone.

Jason Gusmann said...

i dont know what that means, but i would like to start my beard collection with both of yours. kings of new england, john updike choked to death on a ham sandwich. just. like. mama. cass.

Jess Gulbranson said...

(coin noise)
(coin noise)
(one-up noise)