Captain Gold Medallion

Mike Barrett told me to write a story about a gold medallion that is a pirate captain and hangs around the neck of a human being because the pirate ship's captives will not shudder in fear while they're in the presence of a gold medallion, but they might shudder in fear while in the presence of a human who lost an eye to a defective kitchen utensil and lost a leg to a malfunctioning escalator. Even the handicapped are more fearsome than a gold medallion. The gold medallion knows this. It is very neurotic about this, but I cannot go into further detail about its neurosis because Mike Barrett was not very specific about it. The story that I will write for Mike Barrett about a gold medallion will being with a drinking game (swill a jug of every time you feel an urge to be sea sick) and end with the gold medallion defeating the kraken in a chili cookoff.