Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Interview With Tony

Tony edits a print zine called Chiaroscuro. Tony has no genitalia. Tony is a homemade doll. Tony is a fake Cabbage Patch Kid. Tony is a really good excuse for the existence of typos. Tony has a website for his zine here:

Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Tony. Why are you such a jerk?

I appreciate any attention I can get for CHIAROSCURO, so thank you. Why am I such a jerk? Well, Bradley, if anybody would understand this I'm sure it's you: creating a publishing empire can be quite stressful business. Sometimes I come off as a jerk because of all the stress I'm under. CHIAROSCURO hasn't been as profitable as your fine literary journal, "Bust Down the Door and Eat all the Chickens." The S.P.R.3 refuses to tour. Brad, don't ever try to manage a band. Musicians are almost as unreliable as writers. I keep telling Eric Blair to finish his novel, but he keeps telling me to fuck off. I'm grooming Hacim to be my replacement, because I honestly don't know how much longer I can put up with this shit. Someday, Brad, when you've been in this business as long as I have somebody will ask you why you are such a jerk.

Eric Blair? Hacim? SPR3? Name dropping works a lot better when people actually know who and what you're talking about. Who are these people, places, and things? Tell me or I will destroy you.

Bradley Sands? Who the fuck is that? Why did I agree to this again? Oh, right I'm not sentient. If I recall correctly Eric Blair is an old English writer who died in 1950. Hacim is a Turkish general who fell out of a tree one time. Wait a minute, he didn't fall - HE WAS PUSHED! The S.P.R.3 is the greatest, only, band to come to earth from Moonsylvania. They've got a myspace just like every other fucking band! Go ahead and destroy me, I enjoy being overly dramatic.

How are you talking to me if you're not sentient? More importantly, how do you edit a zine? You're a fake cabbage patch kid. You're disabled from the toes up. What is your secret? Other inanimate objects want to know.

There is a lot about being an inanimate object that you wouldn't understand. Zines edit themselves, the typos are on purpose! I'm not a fake cabbage patch kid. I'm much more real than any cabbage patch kid has every been. I'm disabled, am I? If I told you my secret it wouldn't be a secret anymore would it?

What are your favorite cliches besides "If I told you my secret it wouldn't be a secret anymore would it?"

I am my favorite cliche. What could be more fucking cliche than being interviewed in order to promote something? Just saying that I am my favorite cliche makes me more of a cliche, right? Do you have a favorite cliche? Oh, wait don't answer that. I wouldn't want this interview to get confusing. You are the one asking the questions, right?

Are you just pretending to be Tony? Have you put him in a coma with your lusty bedroom thighs? Tony is supposed to be funny. You are not funny. You are boring. I am bored. Give the computer back to Tony.

Tony here. I think someone hacked my email account with a fishing scam. I got pretty drunk off all the Michelob they had on the boat and someone must have asked me for my password, but I don't really remember. I changed it to secret so it shouldn't happen again.

Prove that you're Tony by making me laugh, sending me a sexy photo, and your social security number.

I can't make you laugh, you have to laugh voluntarily. Haven't you seen me naked? I have no security when I'm being social.

I am not laughing. You are not Tony. You are an imposter. I am now hungry. It is your fault, imposter. "Imposter" always makes me think of "pasta." Pasta is very delicious, except for when it is not.

I will destroy you, imposter.

I am destroying you.

You have been destroyed.

I am going to make myself some pasta.

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