Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Story Rejected from the Bradley Sands is a Dick Anthology (Raw and Unedited!)

This is a story called "Bradley Sands is a Dick!" It was written by Micah Hacim. Micah Hacim is a professional writter. I think this was rejected because the editor, Andersen Prunty, couldn't spare the nine hundred consecutive hours it would have taken him to edit the story. I still like this story though. It made me laugh.



Everybody knows that when Mary Jane wants something she better get it or that spoiled bitch will make everybody's life miserable.

"I want some ice cream", said Mary Jane Parker.

"There is ice cream in the freezer."

It was Neopolitain ice cream, Peter Parker's favorite. He had first been introduced to it on Battleworld during the Secret Wars and quickly bonded with the satisfiying combination of chocolate, Vanilla, and strawberry.

"I don't like your ice cream. I want real ice cream", whined MJ as she stepped out of a hot shower. Peter looked at her naked body, but steam somehow covered her private areas. After three years of marriage Peter had never really gotten a good look at her tits or ass.

Peter Parker put on the spiderman costume and went out for ice cream. He had brought along his camera too. Hopeing to take some pictures he could sell down at the Daily Bugle.

As Spiderman walked the four blocks to Ben & Jerrys he checked the fluid level in his web shooters. They were about half full.

All of the sudden Spidey's senses started to tickle. Acting on instinct, he did a backflip and jumped up on some boxes just seconds before a bomb exploded where he previously walked.

Spiderman looked in the direction of a high pitched giggle and saw standing there Bradley Sands.

Brad was wearing black pants and a black t-shirt that said Tocus; it was what passed for his costume, or at least what he had been wearing for the last three days.

"Bradley Sands?! I thought you died when that crate of Totino's Pizza Bites fell on you in our fight against the Moatmonster!", said Spiderman. Memories of their friendship flooded his mind like liquor in a Hobo's stomach.

"Not quite, but I lost everything that day and I blame you for the accident. Now it's your turn to have an accident, Spiderman", said Brad as he vigorously shook a bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red and chucked it at the webcrawler. It exploded when it hit the boxes and sprayed sticky red syrup all over Spidey's costume.

Spiderman shot webs at Brads feet, sticking him in place, then jumped over and punched him through a brick wall. Brad was pretty badly hurt by the attack.

"This isn't over!", yelled Brad as he scurried away.

"Don't go away mad.. just go away!" Brad was too far gone to hear the zinger, but at least a few of the gawking pedestrians had chuckled. Peter thought to himself, "I still got it!"

Spiderman retrieved the camera from where he had stuck it to the wall to get pictures of the fight so he could sell them to the Daily Bugle. Peter looked through the shots the camera had snapped. They were all pretty blurry, and it looked like the camera had been pointing at the umbrella of a pretzel cart the entire time.

Spiderman continued down to the Ben & Jerrys to get Mary Jane's ice cream. When he got there the store was closed because the Juggarnaugt had ran straight through the building sometime last week (see Uncanny X-Men #12 - editor).

Knowing better than to come home without the ice cream, Spidey set about finding a grocery store that sold pints of Ben & Jerry's Organic Strawberry Ice Cream, or Strawberry Vice cream as MJ so often called it. It made Peter cringe every time she said vice cream.

Meanwhile, back in his parents basement... Brad Sands licked his wounds and had his mom sew up a mock spiderman costume. When it was finally ready, Brad took the bus from Long Island to Peter Parker's NY apartment. When he got there the door was locked. So Brad rattled his keys in the lock until Mary Jane opened the door.

"Locked out, Tiger?" asked MJ as she stood in the doorframe wearing a négligée.

After closing the door Brad Sands began to fondle Peters wife right there in the guys own home. It wasn't long before forplay turned into intercorse, and six minutes later Mary Jane remembered about the ice cream.

"Where is it?" she wanted to know.

"Where's what?" Brad, still in disguise, was helping himself to Peter Parker's fridge.

"My Ice Cream!"

Brad opened the freezer and noticed the box of Neapolitan. He put a spoon down his spandex underwear until the concave cupped one of his balls. Then he scooped out a bowl from the vanilla portion of the neapolitan ice cream and brought it to Mary Jane.

When she saw the ice cream the jig was up. MJ screamed, "I should have known by your circumcised penis!"

This seemed like a good time for Brad to put his tights back on and make a getaway. On his way out, Brad grabbed a handful of change from Spiderman's nightstand.

Later, from his parents basement, Brad Sands dials the hobgoblin's phone number.

"Hello!", answers Roderick Kingsley.

Brad yells into the phone, "Hey faggot, suck my spider dick."

After more taunting, the Hobgoblin threatens to kill brad believing him to be Spiderman. Brad gives him Peter Parkers home address and hangs up.

Peter Parker finally comes home to a crying Mary Jane and notices that someone has raped his spare change bowl. He was very angry because now he could not get money at the Coinstar machine to buy more film and web fluid. Then he looked in the freezer, someone had eaten all the vanilla out of his Neapolitan ice cream!!!

His spider sense tingled as an angry knock came from the door.

The end


Jess Gulbranson said...

My god, that's awesome. It's like a story my friend Ashley wrote when we were like 9, including the part about shaking up Mountain Dew and using it as a weapon. He gave it to me to ghost-write, and I tried to turn it into "The Case of Charles Dexter Ward." But even that young I knew that such power is not given to mortals. That was the first time I thought about killing myself.

James said...

holy shit, if you can afford to reject stories like that then I tremble to imagine the quality of the stories that will appear in the anthology

Bradley Sands said...

I would have accepted it, but I'm not "the editor." Hence why I'm posting it. Stories with so many typos almost always get rejected. If someone sent me something like this, I would have rejected it too. But the writer is my friend, so I would have put the extra effort into editing it. But it's not up to me.

Bradley Sands said...

I probably wouldn't have accepted it for Bust though because I'm kind of anal retentive about what I publish there. But for a fun web anthology: yes.

Bradley Sands said...

Oh yeah, James. Where the fuck is your story? Everything that you write is brilliant. But you may or may not fit the category of "lazy shit."

Anonymous said...

The typos were on purpose! It's not my fault I never learned to write. I never needed to because I've only submitted to Chiaroscuro. Also, I wrote it drunk.

Bradley Sands said...

Write it drunk. Edit it sober.

Anonymous said...

Brad, I forgot to say thanks.

Bradley Sands said...

You're welcome.

jereme said...

mary jane gives horrible head

Bradley Sands said...

I have the papercuts on my dick to prove it.

Don said...

Best line of the entire day: "Memories of their friendship flooded his mind like liquor in a Hobo's stomach." Hell yeah!