Thursday, April 10, 2008

Crazy Submitter Threatens My Life

This is what you get when the United States Postal Service fails you when you mail back rejected stories in a self-addressed, stamped envelope. This is what you get when a writer hasn't been published since the eighties and has become more and more insane since that decade because of this. This is what you get when that writer is still extremely upset over John Lennon's death. This is what you get when you have a policy against responding to crazy letters. Little things like this that make publishing a literary journal worth it.

Dear Bradley,

Where are my stories? What did I do wrong to deserve such a cold shoulder during The Mark Chapman Generation, Twin Towers, "Malvo", academic massacre, Amish massacre, etc? Is that it, then, Bradley, you're just going to leave me dangling? Ok, if that's the way you feel. I've never seen 1 magazine in 40 years of doing this live more than a few years after being treated so shitty as you have treated me. You actually stole one story and have others as well. What were you offended? Why, because I care not for The Mark Chapman Generation, which hasn't produced a chicken worth busting down the door to eat anyway? That's what George Carlin said about women who oppose abortion, "Have you ever noticed women who oppose abortion you would never want to fuck anyway?" Bradley, it says in the book you respond in "2 weeks or longer." Bradley, it's been quite a while, almost a year since you reported back to me. You won't publish my stories but you'll steal it and discriminate against me, someone who simply wants to earn his way into your magazine? I don't get it. I don't have access to the computer. I deserve to be punished for that? What is this, Tommy? You sure know where to put your cork.

With real love,
tons of dismay,

Crazy Man

P.S. I love the title of your mag. Don't you? Although Mark Chapman is still sitting in prison perfectly peacock proud of himself for starting a whole generation. Most of my stuff doesn't care much for The Mark Chapman Generation. In fact, most of my stuff deplores the two bit-murderer. MCG. Is that why you ban me, Bradley? Bust Down the Door is actually an adjunct of TMG? You did say "no stories about victims". Mark Chapman doesn't give a fuck about his victim, or victims, either. This will probably be the last you hear from me, so rest assured. Unless you possess a conscience, Bradley. Then we might even resume Busting Down Doors together. Amazing , how TMG does nothing but takes everything, amazing. Then they pray to "God." Uh-huh. Well, take care. Hope to hear from you soon, If you don't return my stories, one day I'm going to pick them up. I promise you that. Remember what I told you, Bradley? I am a real New Yorker? Good. Uh, no stories about what people have "done to them."

A guy in L.A. (a former "Editor") ran away from me so fast, well, I just let things go. Gosh, it's easy to put the fear in those teensy-weensy Mark Chapman clones, so easy.

I have 3 kids, Bradley, 3. That's the thing with TMG--it knows no pity, no shame--no conscience. You steal my stories? There's another Bradley Sands living in MA, down south. What a nice guy. Told me "Good luck getting your stuff back." Gosh, that's not such a typical name, "Bradley Sands," is it? I knew a "Harly Sands" once. You've read me. I'm everywhere. You've got just a little while longer, Bradley, to come through. I need more villains, like, "Bradley Sands." Why, I might even steal it to you! How the clone BDTDAEATCS. What's wrong with that, stealing your name, using it however I like? The other guy doesn't mind. Not at all. You?

Then he writes this across the back of the envelope (I guess he didn't have another piece of paper):

No, B.S., that's not the way it is done. Never was, never will be. So what do you hope to accomplish as you are? Have you used my story? Man, by lawyer vacations near you . . . . You make my ten-year-old daughter cry, B.S. she had such high hopes for us, you see. In fact, she found you in the book--for me.


Josh Maday said...

you get all the good fan mail, Bradley. man, those yew norkers are nuckin futs. still, if it got that in the mail, i'd be worried even if i was pretty sure it's a long winded bluff. and, of course, the one SASE that doesn't get through is carrying this guy's rejection slip. who'da thunk. good luck, Bradley. maybe think about carrying a knife or a rolling pin or something.

Bradley Sands said...

He lives near where I grew up. My parents still live there. I might ring his doorbell the next time I visit them. And say all evilly, Hello, I am Bradley Sands. I just wanted to say hello, so hello. And then turn and walk away.

I am moving at the end of the month. I think it is time to invest $40 to rent a PO box for a year. I have been waiting for something like this to happen for an excuse to do it.

Josh Maday said...

yes, you should ring his doorbell and definitely say hello in an evil way. so do you know this guy or just that he lives near your parents?

this is probably a very good time to invest in a PO box. good call.

hey, when you show up at his front door, you might want to circle your mouth repeatedly with red lipstick and keep saying something about mumma mumma mumma. that should do the job.

Bradley Sands said...

Or carry Catcher in the Rye as if it were the bible and sing Imagine.

Bradley Sands said...

Oh, I responded too quick and didn't see your first paragraph.

No, I don't know him, but the town that he lives in is in his return address.

This might be like the third letter from him about his stories. I ignored the earlier ones because they were crazy, but they were not this crazy.

Think I should take the letter to the police or is that overkill?

Check out this review of my book. I love it:

Josh Maday said...

wow, that was a brutal and sort of funny review. despite the reviewer's intention, the synopsis up front made me want to read your novel. it sounds hilarious. there is only one path of logic for some folks, i guess.

i don't know, it's tough to say whether taking the thing to the police is overkill or not. i mean, people are a pinch crazier and more serious about being crazy these days. it probably couldn't hurt to at least say something. the fella seems pretty persistent and increasingly angrier. maybe a short response saying that you had already returned his precious manuscripts a long time ago would help. though maybe it won't at this point. i'm not much help, i know. make sure you ask who's at the door for awhile before opening, eh? i wish you the best of luck with this.

definitely PO box time.

Bradley Sands said...

Yeah, I already mailed him a letter back. Something like:

Your threatening letter is now in the hands of the police. Do not contact me again. Do not submit to me again. I mailed your stories back a long time ago. I cannot help it if the postal service were unable to do their job properly.


My first reaction was to write a response where I had fun at his expense, but I thought it would be more sensible to write something like this.

I like how he makes it sound like he still wants to be in my journal. It reminds me of this letter that my asshole zinester friend received from this old crappy writer which went into detail about how awful the zine was. The letter was also accompanied by a bunch of poetry submissions.

The zine ended up publishing his letter in an issue, but deleted every other word. The man threatened to sue and asked them to issue a retraction because he wanted the public to know that he does now write gobblegook or something. I think he wrote what he wanted the retraction to say himself in third person. Then the zinester put the retraction in the next issue, put quotes around it, and attributed it to the man. It was pretty funny.

Then later, the other zinester involved with the zine pretended to be a foreign exchange student who loved the man's poetry (he had a poetry zine) and they had a long email exchange. Also very funny. The man wanted to meet my friend, his only fan. My friend revealed the truth near the end, shattering his ego.

Bradley Sands said...

Oh, I forgot this part of the letter. Something like this at the end:

Your follow-up letters were extremely unprofessional. It is my policy to ignore letters such as this.

Josh Maday said...

yeah, it was probably best not to mock in this case. if you ever get over to tod goldberg's blog, he gets all kinds of crazy hate mail and he really has some fun with people. i don't know if i'd have the onions to provoke a potentially insane egomaniac the way he does. it's pretty funny to read, though.

i don't understand why people would send more work for consideration with a letter telling an editor how bad their zine is. people are nuts.

hey, what the hell is The Mark Chapman Generation? i have no idea what that means or who mark chapman is.

Bradley Sands said...

Mark David Chapman killed John Lennon, although I don't know what the Mark Chapman generation is either.

Andy said...

Sounds like he needs to submit to BRADLEY SANDS IS A DICK. I've heard of Generation X and Y and I think even Z, but I've never heard of the MDC Generation. I guess that would explain a lot. Anyway, good call and the return letter and the PO box. The best thing to do now is probably never respond to anything else he sends you.

Bradley Sands said...

Not responding: That's what I've been doing, up until now. I don't usually respond to "unprofessional letters," unless they are intentionally funny. I like unprofessional letters that are intentional funny. I guess I just don't like unprofessional letters that irritate the shit out of me. Like one that he sent that said something about how he sensed a snobby Massachusetts attitude from me. These things are not worth responding to.

Anonymous said...

this is what you get when you google "keith moore" "wasatch poetry and prose" -

Anonymous said...

Bradley Sands said...

You guys should hang.