Does anyone want to join my cult? I wrote this when I was like 14 or 15:
DON'T MISS OUT IN THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME OFFER Void in certain states
High Pope Godoth Frumpfurt
Pope Tater Perdu
Pope T.X. Superfly
Pope "Bob" Dobbs
Pope Monty Catsin
Pope add your name here
Order greeting - YIP YOP.
response - FUCK YEAH!!
second response - RIGHT ON!!!
Have you ever noticed that god spelled backwards is dog. This is what it was originally supposed to be, until the ANTI-spud changed it around. Do you believe that? It has been written in the true book of revelations. There is no god, there is only SPUDS. The idea of god was invented by the ANTI-spud to keep the heat off him. The ANTI-spud is destined to destroy the world in 23 dog years. The only way to survive is to join the order. You will be saved by the otherworldly Frisbee, the SEX GODD, umm no, sorry about that, I really mean the SEX BITCH. The end times are near, of course, according to them, we are, and always will be in the end times. It has been written in the true book. The false book was written by the ANTI-spud in a plot to distort the views of all peoples. What evidence is there that there is a god? You have probably been worshipping god, the false deity all your life. Unbeknownst to you, you are actually worshipping the ANTI-spud.
Spuds MacKenzie died for our sins.
SPUDS MacKenzie visited our prophet, Godoth Frumpfurt while he was having his afternoon tea on December 23, 1932 . Everything seemed to freeze. The clock stopped, and the tea that had been poured in his mouth had frozen in mid-air. Spuds spoke to him, " I am SPUDS MacKenzie, thee original party animal. My soul is located on the Dog Star located in the Sirius System. I am thee creator of life, and I am located everywhere and nowhere. I have been watching, and influencing thee history of your planet for eons, and at this present moment I am very upset. I am speaking you at this moment to defy the teachings contained in the bible of my arch-nemesis - the ANTI-spud. The teachings of the ANTI-spud is nowhere near as horrible as the way that they are being interpreted by the common fool. I need you to recruit people to defy the teachings and clean up this immense doggie bowl. I am not privileged to tell you my teachings, but just think of it as just being the opposite of everything or nothing, or the ANTI-spud's teachings or the common fool's teachings. Bow WOW RUff ruff growl.
It has been written that the ANTI-spud visited the head of the advertising department of Budweiser in a dream. The ANTI-spud convinced him to use the ANTI-spud for the new Budweiser ad campaign. Vast riches were promised. The next day the head found a spuds look-alike to use. The ad campaign was a great success, and Budweiser beer proceeded to increase their sales by millions of dollars. This is why we are forbidden to drink Bud beer except on sodfjday.
Why should you believe us? Who else is there to trust these dog days. We openly proclaim ourselves to be blasphemers and liars. WE ARE BLASPHEMERS AND LIARS. Never in a million dog years, would I trust anybody who stated otherwise. Everybody, without a doubt is. What is a blasphemer anyway? What gives anybody the right to decide what's right and what is wrong. Do not believe in anything. Believe in everything. This religion encourages agnosticism. We are to my knowledge, the only religion that reveals itself to be clever bullshit. All other joke religions are clever bullshit (all serious religions are only bullshit), but do not outright state it. It is only obvious to the clever. We recognize that there this doggie dish is made up of stupid people, so we shall state it outright .
The full force of SPUDS was revealed to me when I was sitting in science class. I went into a trance and SPUDS spoke. I later ponder what caused the trance, science class or SPUDS. My guess that science class was the cause of the trance. If this is true, then it proves that something actually does come out of school. It teaches us how to enter mystical states of being. Back to the SPUDS, I was told everything that I think is wrong, but it is so much closer to the truth and to the untruth then just about everybody else. After that one statement, my vision ended. I have no way of knowing whether or not I was visited by the true SPUDS or the ANTI-spud. It seemed like the true SPUDS to me, because it did not seem like something the ANTI-spud would say. Perhaps that is just what the ANTI-spud wants me to think???
THE TRUE CREATION STORY
In the beginning there was the empty kennel. Then through various complicated methods, it was full. It all started when toad sang his lovely song. The heavens weeped joyfully. Toad was very depressed. This was because he was very lonely, and bored. Because of toad's lovely song, the heavens felt pity for him, and excreted into the kennel. Out from the ashes of the excretion rose pea pods. These pea pods talked, but they were not very good company for toad because of their lack of brains. Toad had a special name for these pods and called them all obergs. After a while, Toad got very annoyed with the obergs from listening to chatter nonsense endlessly. He stamped on them with his feet until they were all crushed to death. Out of the ashes of the obergs remains arose numerous broccoli. They were rather intelligent but their conversations was very cold and robot-like.(This is very strange for broccoli is organic, and not robot-like at all. Perhaps this is misinformation created by the ANTI-spud. It figures). After a while Toad grew hatred for the broccoli. (This was the first time the feeling of anger was shown. It is rumored to be a creation of the ANTI-spud. Although anger may be a good thing . Who am I to say? From this, you could come to the conclusion that broccoli is also the creation of the ANTI-spud. It is difficult to tell, but everything could be the creation of the ANTI-spuds, of perhaps SPUDS, or perhaps even toad, or the heavens. Try to think about it all for a few hours. Does it give you a headache? If the answer to the question is no then you are worthy to become a member. The reason for this is because thou art a liar.) I wrote so much that has nothing to do with creation that I forgot what really happened. I'll remember it later. All I know is that it has something to do with SPUDS.
Our gift to you when you become a member is the divine excuse. With it, you can get away with any crazy shit that you want, just by stating to the person that it was done for religious purposes. You can do stuff like walking around naked, anything in which you have gotten in trouble for in the past. WARNING divine excuse does not work perfectly. If you should decide to kill someone you dislike for religious purposes, if caught you will still be punished. Your sentence will still be decreased because of the divine excuse.
EVERYTHING THAT YOU KNOW IS TRUE
EVERYTHING THAT YOU KNOW IS FALSE
Throughout the years, the ANTI-spuds has possessed many so-called great minds. You know the type, all those self-important assholes who made up useless, unnecessary shit to waste our time studying in school. The ANTI-spud did this to steal our qqq. Just think about it, all languages may have been created by the ANTI-spud. Without a doubt all mathematical theories were created by the ANTI-spud. If I was living centuries ago and was not controlled by the ANTI- spud then my languages and useless theories would be taught in school.
You are real. Aren't you?
It is a sin to copy others ideas, unless of course other members of the order do not contribute ideas themselves. If this happens and the brain is restless, then this law may be considered void. Speaking of such, Joshua Norton, or as he preferred to be called Norton I proclaimed himself Emperor of the United Stated and protector of Mexico in 1859. Norton I was a very likable fellow although he was a loon. Even though he was poor, he was fed well in some of San Francisco's best restaurants. Even though he was a loon, he had all of his state proclamations published in San Francisco’s newspapers. While supposedly rational reformers failed to crack the national bank monopoly, Norton I had his own currency accepted throughout San Francisco. When imbeciles decided to attack the Chinese, and sane men would try to stop them, Norton I did nothing but stand in the street, head bowed, praying. The imbeciles dispersed. The Order has chosen it's own Emperor of the United States. It's name is Emperor Norton II, (how original) otherwise known as the supreme pea pod.
To become a member you shall only want to become a member. Once we get numerous people, we may get a bit greedy and start charging a few dollars. The duties for members are to spread the faith. Of which faith, I cannot tell. Just make sure it is all your own and no one else's.