In the Shit

I have been receiving a lot of email asking if I'm really in Vietnam.

Yes, I'm really in Vietnam.

It is dangerous here.

Decades ago, the VietCong set up bear traps and hid them beneath VietCong feces. The VietCong are tricky.

I haven't stepped in one of these bear traps yet because I know what VietCong feces looks like. But I like to have a picnic next to a bear trap and wait for people who look mean and point and laugh when they step in the bear trap. I also make a sad face whenever a person who looks nice steps into it.

The VietCong strategy was for their VietCong feces to infect the wound so their victim would have to get their leg amputated. This was back during the time that I like to refer to as Nam'. Now, all of the VietCong feces is an antique and can be sold on E-bay for like twenty bucks a pound. It is so old that it no longer causes infections, but it is not yet prehistoric, so it is still really gross to have slathered all over your bloody leg.

Getting caught in a bear trap can still cause your leg to become infected. But at least you stand a chance if you get to a hospital ASAP. Like if you gnaw off your leg and bring it to the hospital to be sewn back on. Your leg will never become infected if you gnaw it off. Vietnam has some excellent hospital seamstresses.

Mike Young says he's visiting me on Friday. I will try to help him avoid the bear traps.

If anyone wants to send me a care package, please use the following address:

Bradley Sands
Vietnam