Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens Interview Series: Sam Pink

Sam Pink wrote a story called I Am the Dictator. It is an awesome shitty story. Sam Pink threatened the lives of my family and friends if I didn't publish it in Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens #8. But at least it is not an ultra shitty story. I wouldn't have published it in Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens #8 if it was an ultra shitty story, even if Sam Pink threatened the lives of my family and friends. I still have a ethics. Here is an interview that I conducted with Sam Pink:

Why are you interested in working at the Bronx Zoo?

Because that is the first place I ever hid in a bathroom stall and blew out a mouthful of all-kool-aid-vomit through a harmonica and let the harmonica-spray hit my feet.

Tell me a little about yourself.

I am currently interested in things like filling my mouth with all-kool-aid-vomit and then blowing it through a harmonica onto my feet in a public bathroom at the Bronx Zoo.

If possible, I would also buy a wax dolphin like the ones they sell at the Brookfield Zoo because I enjoy throwing those at the ground and stepping on them.

If I contacted your former employer, what would he tell me about you?

My employer, he or she would say, "Yeah, he's a pretty good person who we employed at this location, but he had a habit of leaving work to like, blow a mouth of kool aid vomit through a harmonica onto his feet in a public bathroom like some place such as the Bronx Zoo. He also calls off of work with excuses like, 'it was too soon after the last time being there' and 'it is the first anniversary of me deciding to declare an anniversary before work'. But definitely hire him, he is a great hugger."

What is your greatest strength?

Sitting completely still on my couch listening to the fridge and feeling like a very special person.

What is your greatest weakness?

Any of the ways another person could manipulate my body to result in death.

Can you tell me about a time you had a problem with an animal and what did you do to alleviate the problem?

The only animal I experience currently is my roommate's cat. When I sense that the cat is about to misbehave, I pick him up and rock him back and forth and also I make up songs for him and sing the songs while I am cradling him. There is no living creature who can escape my infinite love.

Do you have any questions for me?

Yes I do:

Bradley Sands, aside from eating ass, which is your main pursuit, how do you spend your time?

When I am not enjoying the sensation of having my ass eaten by you, I watch my family and friends on surveillance cameras, hoping to catch you in the act of attempted murder.

Oh no way! Awesome. So, let's say you are not eating ass, and instead you go to get some fuel for your car. How do you resist filling each of your pockets with gas and lighting your pockets on fire and then just standing there?

When I am not enjoying the sensation of having my ass eaten by you, I think about my family and friends and how I wouldn’t be around any longer to protect them against you.

Good answer, Bradley! Can I just cut some skin off your skull a little? Open your mouth and let me throw a rock at the back of your throat. Why are white people necessarily evil and what is the best way to kill the white people?

Yes, yes, chlorine in swimming pools, forcing them to ingest a change purse of pennies and lit firecrackers (although this would not work on my family and friends).

I hadn't even thought about it like that! I am impressed by your answering ability. Did you have anything to ask me?

Why are you so damn hard to kill, Sam Pink?

I am hard to kill because every time someone tries to hit me or kill me I put my hands over my eyes and then I disappear into that person.

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